Fresh Wes

When I started this blog, it was initially cool trying to be funny.

But after a while I got bored of it.  It wasn’t fun trying to be a writer.  So I gave up on it, like most bloggers often do.  Even worse are the bailout statistics on Twitter, where  60% of new users leave Twitter after the first month.

I think most people on blogs try too hard to be edgy, knowledgeable, or funny - but  at least they have an agenda.  Like every move you make in life, it should serve a purpose.

So what are my initial goals and intentions of this site?

• Use my blog as a digital notebook.  Not an editorial.  Not an online newspaper or magazine.  Just a collection of links, ideas, and information that I would want to be able to find in the future.
• Be concise as possible, there’s already too much bullshit on the web.
• Write for myself, not an audience.

If not even one person visits this site, it should be able to stand on its own.  I want to be able to come back years from now and remember that funny Youtube video I posted or that inspiring quote I overheard.

Let’s run with this shit!

While driving around, me and my roommate noticed Shakespeare’s Trophy Shop in Santa Monica. Interested in finding a sweet fantasy football trophy, we decided to scope it out.

We began browsing the trophy collection, eventually settling on a bronze and wood Heisman trophy replica. We were elated, high-fiving in celebratory fashion over our selection. But something

caught my eye. Amongst the faux special olympic ribbons and “nice try” soccer trophies was a glorious treasure. We found a chromed out man throwing around serious weight on the incline press.

Immediately we knew this trophy was destined to be the legendary prize award to the victor of our newly planned annual Man Competition. The owner of the shop created it right there on the spot, crafting our legendary monument to testosterone in about 5 minutes.

After creating this masterpiece, the trophy store owner started to change. His eyes changed from delightful to envious. He kept repeating “my precious” as

he stared deeply at his majestic creation. We quickly paid and left, learning a valuable lesson: The Man Competition Trophy is highly coveted. If you are not manly enough, and happen to gaze upon it, you will be overtaken by greed and awe.

Only those daring and brave enough to enter the arena will be worthy enough to vie for the trophy. Are you man enough? Are you a man amongst boys?

And it’s not a crotch rocket either.

This past weekend the weather was really awesome, and everyone and their mother went to the beach and/or the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica. And since I live near the beach, this meant getting to and finding parking at Baja Fresh was a nightmare. That got me thinking, I need to find an alternative method of transportation that is less gay than roller blading. Since Segways were never cool, I had to go with a bike.

Since everybody who owns a bike feels the need to shit-spew Bike propaganda , I feel the need to defend myself. These are not reasons I wanted to get a bike:

1. Commuting - Get sweaty before work? Doubtful!
   
2. Picking up ladies - Nothing says “playa” like spokes
3. Environment - For every mile I bike, I make sure I drive 5
4. Safety - I’ll pull a Ben Roethlisberger before I rock a helmet
5. Errands - They are not called errands, BUT called doing shit. On a bike, this requires a basket and a uterus
   

Those are are totally valid reasons for some people - just not for me. Here are my reason’s I got the bike:

1. Day Drinking - Nothing says fun like a BUI
2. Basketball - Played at a court near my house - everyone wondered why we drove. I didn’t wonder. We’re lazy.
3. Parking - Parking sucks in LA. Trying to get a validation after using an ATM is painful.
4. Gas - $4 a gallon? What is this Dom P?
5. Bike By Shootings - Nobody expects that shit. Especially not kids.

I bought a new beach cruiser from the XYZBikes.com website. They delivered it the next day and I built it myself (that’s manly right?). The color is gray, but I prefer to call it Gunmetal Gray.

So I went for my first ride last night, just to break it in.  It was pretty sweet and I think I’m starting a small gang with the kids down the street.  Let them know this is our hood and we got to represent hard.

It happened again. It always happens. Gmail inbox says “Natalya has added you as a friend on MySpace”.

Keep it cool Wes. No big deal, this happens all the time to you. You’re a baller. You know what? Don’t even click the link. You’re too busy, and you’ll get to her later. Maybe tomorrow. Whatever.

…………………

click click click.

…………………

Damn it she wasn’t real. No I don’t want to see your fucking webcam. How did you find me?

Don’t lie MySpacers, you know this has happened to you before. It has to have. I’m not even that popular on MySpace and this happens to me constantly.

All I have going for me is the sliver of hope that I may have actually met this person in real life. Here’s the thought process:

1. Where was I recently?
2. Was I drunk?
3. Did I attempt to converse with any species of human?
4. Did I actually give them my real name, or even try to grunt syllables which would resemble my name?
5. Are they the police?

Usually this works out pretty successfully.

But it’s worse if you’re a computer geek too, where interactions with hot women usually are made of pixels and ascii characters.

You know full well that you don’t know anybody named Natasha or KeLli <3, but you continue to move your pale Cheetos-crusted finger on the mouse, hopelessly clicking away. You think – “hey, maybe somebody read my blog? Maybe they thought your Warcraft character was hot and want to meet up?

DOUBTFUL. It’s not that easy, and it never will be. But still, we all fall for it. This isn’t e-Harmony, or my proposed Gangster version, G-Harmony. This is MySpace, the web’s version of the house they use to film “To Catch A Predator”.

Stick to Facebook, where stalking is okay if you call it “networking“.

This summer I am planning on creating a competition to find who is this manliest among me and my friends.  Although no where near as manly as the World’s Emotionally Strongest Man Competition, this contest will be unique and most likely tailored to things I’m good at. I don’t know the exact date, but I assure you it will be the manliest day of the year. The winner will get a trophy of a flexed bicep or something with similar masculinity.

I haven’t exactly planned out the scoring system yet, but here are some of the proposed events:

Proposed Events:

• Parallel parking
• Football accuracy contest
• Poker game
• Question and answer segment
• 25lb curl competition
• Arm wrestling (both arms)
• Chug contest
• Getting 10 girls at the bar to sign your bicep
• 1 hour fishing tournament
• Mini golf challenge

Any thoughts or idea proposals?

I don’t even know if I need to train… I’m gonna take this competition

Too those who don’t know, my alma mater is Penn State. Our football team has been coached by the 81 year old Joe Paterno, more affectionately known as JoePa. Paterno has been coaching at Penn State for the past 59 years. When he started coaching there were only 48 states in the US. Recently, there have been concerns over his ability to coach - due to his age. Should he be fired? Or should he walk out on his own? Here’s a video from the official Penn State football site showing JoePa as fired up as ever.

Some thoughts:

- Never thought I’d see an 81 year old man throw a block like that
- Loved it when he yelled, “get that shirt pulled down”
- Wide Receiver #9 got LAID OUT

Although not as blingtastic as rapper Paul Wall’s grills (yes he does actually make and sell them), these rings look pretty fresh. The NY Giants 2008 Super Bowl run was an incredible feat, and now they’ve got the hardware to match it. According to the Giants website, the ring “will feature white gold, diamonds and three Super Bowl trophies”.

Michael Strahan, the Giants’ All-Pro defensive end and shoe-in for the hall of fame, was one of four teammates who met with Tiffany’s designers to add his input into the ring.

When asked earlier about his ring preferences Strahan had this to say:

“I want it to be a 10 table. Do you know what that is? It is so you can see it from at least 10 tables away. That is what I want. I don’t want a two table or a one table; I want a 10 table ring. You work hard for this thing. Nobody wants a Super Bowl ring that nobody can see.”

Voicemails suck. They are the least efficient way to transmit information between two people. I think text messaging is the greatest form of asynchronous (aka not at the same time) communication there is. Here’s a list of some of the worst offenses and the people who commit them.

The “Call Me Back” voicemail person
This person has the balls to call you and leave a message letting you know they called. They don’t leave any relevant information either. Women usually leave these.

“Hey it’s Lauren, call me when you get this”

Jesus Christ what is wrong with you. If I take a shower or something, I am going to be fine. My phone has this sweet feature called a “missed call list”. It leaves me with a feeling of security, because I know who tried to contact me. You don’t need to tell me that you called, because most likely I hit ignore as soon as your name came up.

The “I’m going to leave you my number really fast” and not repeat it person
This is usually someone trying to be professional, particularly if somebody wants to hire you or sell you insurance. They leave some boring ass message and then BAM - you’re ears are molested by a drive-by shooting of phone numbers. Then they have the nerve to only leave the numbers once.

This means you have to restart the message while simultaneously struggling to find a piece of paper and grab a pen. The difficulty is multiplied because you’re awkwardly wedging the phone between your neck and your shoulder. Then you have to try to absorb the number barrage before it’s too late. 90% of the time I end up writing the number on my arm in a highlighter. Then I have to burn my corneas while trying to decipher between which is the number and which is just the fiery haze caused by my retinas detaching.

The “Pocket Dial Voicemail”
This is one of the worst experiences in the history of telecommunication. One of your asshole friends inadvertently calls you from the most remote crevices of their pants, leaving a maximum length voicemail. This goes unbeknownst to both parties, and the message massacre continues. Most likely, they will continue to call several times, leaving your voicemail inbox full of crap.

Bonus points of hatred awarded to those who call you from a bar. Nothing says “you’re a loser for not being here” like the cloth muffled murmurings of music or laughing. Waking up the next morning and seeing several missed voicemails is only made worse by the sole fact that they you cannot derive any pleasure out of them. You can hear music but can’t make out the song.  The teasing is the most hurtful part.

I have heard of those mythical opportunities when you can hear people talking about you or just spy on their conversation.  Where someone pocket dials you and you hear all their creepiest secrets. Sadly, I have only been the victim of these situations. Like when I was in high school at party. I pocket called my mom and she heard it all. Nothing says grounding like your mom quoting some of your worst lines. Screaming “I can’t believe I burnt my eyebrows off” or saying “he doesn’t have alcohol poisoning” have never been so detrimental to my youth.

The “Wrong Number” person
This anonymous creature leaves you a painful and irrelevant message thinking you’re somebody else. I guess the whole “This is Wes, leave a message“ scam didn’t leave you fooled. Yes, 83 year old woman riddled with senility, I am your daughter. And yes, I would like you to stop leaving me multiple voicemails about your grandkids and what you made for dinner.

The “Fake Leave A Message” person
This bastard intentionally leaves a fake message at the prompt. Instead of the usual “leave a message” they play a dirty trick on you. You see, their message is a fake conversation, designed to make you think they actually picked up

“Hey”….”What’s Up?” ….. “Really?”……”That’s awesome”…. BEEEPPP

I am always conned into having a fake conversation with them.  Somehow my conversations are so fratty and generic that the preceding formula always works. Then it’s too late - that stupid beep.  The beep is a slap in the face, which I follow with a voicemail that begings with me trying to act like I wasn’t tricked, then ends with my sadly admitting my defeat, sounding vulnerable and confused.

People get me all the time. I am notorious for biting the lure. Well the jokes on them. I apply for jobs leaving their number all over the internet. I’d love to see the face on a potential employer after he falls for the trick too, permanently blacklisting the conman himself from their organization.

In Conclusion:

Send me a text. I can look at during meetings or class. I don’t have to type in a code and sit in complete silence jotting down your usually irrelevant message. I can’t take my eyes off it and go right back to it. I can’t pause a voicemail.

One day, I hope I am ballsy enough to completely turn my voicemails off.

Zack Morris, one-time teen heart throb and All-time pimp, knows his way around the ladies. Zack had complete control of the hotties at Bayside High. He is a god. In fact, I have based most of my life around his teachings. From slamming Stacey Carosi behind her father’s watchful eye, breaking racial barriers and friendships by hooking up with Lisa Turtle, or weaning Jessie Spano off caffeine pills, Zack was a true player.

I mean, look at that picture… does it meet all the qualifications of a true pimp?

Does it have:

a) Retro button down shirt, with a pattern that only pissed off Native American descendants would rock
b) Thumbs tucked firmly in the pockets of acid washed denim jeans
c) Sweet 1992 Casio digital watch
d) Lightning blonde hair majestically captured by chestnut-colored roots?
e) NO FUCKING BELT WHATSOEVER

Yes. Zack Morris doesn’t give a fuck about what you think.

So how does the greatest character in television history tie in with pirated software and the RIAA?

Simple. Zack knew the importance of going to the movie theater.

Zack would take his dates to the movies, because the theater was his arena for gettin’ his . Can you imagine the Zack Attack himself, downloading a movie then inviting Kelly Kapowski to his house? You know his parents are going to be home, which also makes things even more awkward. Do you think she cares what a torrent is or that he has the latest DiVx codecs?

Do you really think the self-proclaimed “blonde Tom Cruise” is going to make his move on his parents couch or a crusty futon? Fuck no. Zack is going straight to the theater (in Mr. Belding’s car no less), where his fake stretch-yawn will be smoothly transitioned into an arm around the shoulder. This deadly combo move mysteriously incapacitates the opposite sex. Could it be all charm and no harm? Or did Zack enlist Screech to create a potent form of Roofie deodorant? All we know is that Zack needs the romantic setting of the movie theater to get his hot sauce on.

The movie industry should take cue from Zack and realize the value the movie theater can provide. Zack Morris doesn’t let the cost of a ticket influence his game - he would rather concoct a crazy scheme to earn the cash than bitch about it. The content will drive itself. But the method of delivery must be where the money is earned.

Experience, expense, and convenience are the three key elements of success. They are all interrelated. People will pay money as long as convenience and/or the experience are at a premium. Zack Morris knows the real deal. Don’t even get me started on AC Slater, who finishing move was an immaculate combination of his Jheri curl-mullet manifestation and his dimples. Fatality.

I was just glancing at the top 100 sites according to web ranking system at Alexa. I extremely surprised to see the high rankings of several video sites. Even more surprising was the amount of file storage sites.

Obviously, YouTube is no stranger to traffic and user submissions. However I was shocked to see Megavideo and Veoh. As well as porn sites YouPorn and Redtube (which I won’t link for obvious reasons!).

Amongst the filesharing sites and storage sites there were plenty.

• MiniNova
• Rapidshare
• MegaUpload
• YourFileHost
• MediaFire

I’m am sure I am overlooking many, just because I didn’t recognize some of the sites or I didn’t look too hard. I bet the number increases dramatically when you dig down into Alexa’s top 500.

The point I am trying to make is that every industry needs to look at video as a legitimate contender online. I know - it’s no shocking revelation, but I was surprised at the popularity of some of these sites. The file storage sites undoubtedly host pirated content.

Piracy can not be avoided because it is convenient and it’s free. Sure, most people are willing to pay a couple bucks to rent a DVD. But they would rather download it free and watch it immediately, as oppose to driving to the video store or waiting three days for NetFlix.