Voicemails suck. They are the least efficient way to transmit information between two people. I think text messaging is the greatest form of asynchronous (aka not at the same time) communication there is. Here’s a list of some of the worst offenses and the people who commit them. 
The “Call Me Back” voicemail person
This person has the balls to call you and leave a message letting you know they called. They don’t leave any relevant information either. Women usually leave these.
“Hey it’s Lauren, call me when you get this”
Jesus Christ what is wrong with you. If I take a shower or something, I am going to be fine. My phone has this sweet feature called a “missed call list”. It leaves me with a feeling of security, because I know who tried to contact me. You don’t need to tell me that you called, because most likely I hit ignore as soon as your name came up.
The “I’m going to leave you my number really fast” and not repeat it person
This is usually someone trying to be professional, particularly if somebody wants to hire you or sell you insurance. They leave some boring ass message and then BAM - you’re ears are molested by a drive-by shooting of phone numbers. Then they have the nerve to only leave the numbers once.
This means you have to restart the message while simultaneously struggling to find a piece of paper and grab a pen. The difficulty is multiplied because you’re awkwardly wedging the phone between your neck and your shoulder. Then you have to try to absorb the number barrage before it’s too late. 90% of the time I end up writing the number on my arm in a highlighter. Then I have to burn my corneas while trying to decipher between which is the number and which is just the fiery haze caused by my retinas detaching.
The “Pocket Dial Voicemail”
This is one of the worst experiences in the history of telecommunication. One of your asshole friends inadvertently calls you from the most remote crevices of their pants, leaving a maximum length voicemail. This goes unbeknownst to both parties, and the message massacre continues. Most likely, they will continue to call several times, leaving your voicemail inbox full of crap.
Bonus points of hatred awarded to those who call you from a bar. Nothing says “you’re a loser for not being here” like the cloth muffled murmurings of music or laughing. Waking up the next morning and seeing several missed voicemails is only made worse by the sole fact that they you cannot derive any pleasure out of them. You can hear music but can’t make out the song. The teasing is the most hurtful part.
I have heard of those mythical opportunities when you can hear people talking about you or just spy on their conversation. Where someone pocket dials you and you hear all their creepiest secrets. Sadly, I have only been the victim of these situations. Like when I was in high school at party. I pocket called my mom and she heard it all. Nothing says grounding like your mom quoting some of your worst lines. Screaming “I can’t believe I burnt my eyebrows off” or saying “he doesn’t have alcohol poisoning” have never been so detrimental to my youth.
The “Wrong Number” person
This anonymous creature leaves you a painful and irrelevant message thinking you’re somebody else. I guess the whole “This is Wes, leave a message“ scam didn’t leave you fooled. Yes, 83 year old woman riddled with senility, I am your daughter. And yes, I would like you to stop leaving me multiple voicemails about your grandkids and what you made for dinner.
The “Fake Leave A Message” person
This bastard intentionally leaves a fake message at the prompt. Instead of the usual “leave a message” they play a dirty trick on you. You see, their message is a fake conversation, designed to make you think they actually picked up
“Hey”….”What’s Up?” ….. “Really?”……”That’s awesome”…. BEEEPPP
I am always conned into having a fake conversation with them. Somehow my conversations are so fratty and generic that the preceding formula always works. Then it’s too late - that stupid beep. The beep is a slap in the face, which I follow with a voicemail that begings with me trying to act like I wasn’t tricked, then ends with my sadly admitting my defeat, sounding vulnerable and confused.
People get me all the time. I am notorious for biting the lure. Well the jokes on them. I apply for jobs leaving their number all over the internet. I’d love to see the face on a potential employer after he falls for the trick too, permanently blacklisting the conman himself from their organization.
In Conclusion:
Send me a text. I can look at during meetings or class. I don’t have to type in a code and sit in complete silence jotting down your usually irrelevant message. I can’t take my eyes off it and go right back to it. I can’t pause a voicemail.
One day, I hope I am ballsy enough to completely turn my voicemails off.
