Fresh Wes

It happened again. It always happens. Gmail inbox says “Natalya has added you as a friend on MySpace”.

Keep it cool Wes. No big deal, this happens all the time to you. You’re a baller. You know what? Don’t even click the link. You’re too busy, and you’ll get to her later. Maybe tomorrow. Whatever.

…………………

click click click.

…………………

Damn it she wasn’t real. No I don’t want to see your fucking webcam. How did you find me?

Don’t lie MySpacers, you know this has happened to you before. It has to have. I’m not even that popular on MySpace and this happens to me constantly.

All I have going for me is the sliver of hope that I may have actually met this person in real life. Here’s the thought process:

1. Where was I recently?
2. Was I drunk?
3. Did I attempt to converse with any species of human?
4. Did I actually give them my real name, or even try to grunt syllables which would resemble my name?
5. Are they the police?

Usually this works out pretty successfully.

But it’s worse if you’re a computer geek too, where interactions with hot women usually are made of pixels and ascii characters.

You know full well that you don’t know anybody named Natasha or KeLli <3, but you continue to move your pale Cheetos-crusted finger on the mouse, hopelessly clicking away. You think – “hey, maybe somebody read my blog? Maybe they thought your Warcraft character was hot and want to meet up?

DOUBTFUL. It’s not that easy, and it never will be. But still, we all fall for it. This isn’t e-Harmony, or my proposed Gangster version, G-Harmony. This is MySpace, the web’s version of the house they use to film “To Catch A Predator”.

Stick to Facebook, where stalking is okay if you call it “networking“.

Voicemails suck. They are the least efficient way to transmit information between two people. I think text messaging is the greatest form of asynchronous (aka not at the same time) communication there is. Here’s a list of some of the worst offenses and the people who commit them.

The “Call Me Back” voicemail person
This person has the balls to call you and leave a message letting you know they called. They don’t leave any relevant information either. Women usually leave these.

“Hey it’s Lauren, call me when you get this”

Jesus Christ what is wrong with you. If I take a shower or something, I am going to be fine. My phone has this sweet feature called a “missed call list”. It leaves me with a feeling of security, because I know who tried to contact me. You don’t need to tell me that you called, because most likely I hit ignore as soon as your name came up.

The “I’m going to leave you my number really fast” and not repeat it person
This is usually someone trying to be professional, particularly if somebody wants to hire you or sell you insurance. They leave some boring ass message and then BAM - you’re ears are molested by a drive-by shooting of phone numbers. Then they have the nerve to only leave the numbers once.

This means you have to restart the message while simultaneously struggling to find a piece of paper and grab a pen. The difficulty is multiplied because you’re awkwardly wedging the phone between your neck and your shoulder. Then you have to try to absorb the number barrage before it’s too late. 90% of the time I end up writing the number on my arm in a highlighter. Then I have to burn my corneas while trying to decipher between which is the number and which is just the fiery haze caused by my retinas detaching.

The “Pocket Dial Voicemail”
This is one of the worst experiences in the history of telecommunication. One of your asshole friends inadvertently calls you from the most remote crevices of their pants, leaving a maximum length voicemail. This goes unbeknownst to both parties, and the message massacre continues. Most likely, they will continue to call several times, leaving your voicemail inbox full of crap.

Bonus points of hatred awarded to those who call you from a bar. Nothing says “you’re a loser for not being here” like the cloth muffled murmurings of music or laughing. Waking up the next morning and seeing several missed voicemails is only made worse by the sole fact that they you cannot derive any pleasure out of them. You can hear music but can’t make out the song.  The teasing is the most hurtful part.

I have heard of those mythical opportunities when you can hear people talking about you or just spy on their conversation.  Where someone pocket dials you and you hear all their creepiest secrets. Sadly, I have only been the victim of these situations. Like when I was in high school at party. I pocket called my mom and she heard it all. Nothing says grounding like your mom quoting some of your worst lines. Screaming “I can’t believe I burnt my eyebrows off” or saying “he doesn’t have alcohol poisoning” have never been so detrimental to my youth.

The “Wrong Number” person
This anonymous creature leaves you a painful and irrelevant message thinking you’re somebody else. I guess the whole “This is Wes, leave a message“ scam didn’t leave you fooled. Yes, 83 year old woman riddled with senility, I am your daughter. And yes, I would like you to stop leaving me multiple voicemails about your grandkids and what you made for dinner.

The “Fake Leave A Message” person
This bastard intentionally leaves a fake message at the prompt. Instead of the usual “leave a message” they play a dirty trick on you. You see, their message is a fake conversation, designed to make you think they actually picked up

“Hey”….”What’s Up?” ….. “Really?”……”That’s awesome”…. BEEEPPP

I am always conned into having a fake conversation with them.  Somehow my conversations are so fratty and generic that the preceding formula always works. Then it’s too late - that stupid beep.  The beep is a slap in the face, which I follow with a voicemail that begings with me trying to act like I wasn’t tricked, then ends with my sadly admitting my defeat, sounding vulnerable and confused.

People get me all the time. I am notorious for biting the lure. Well the jokes on them. I apply for jobs leaving their number all over the internet. I’d love to see the face on a potential employer after he falls for the trick too, permanently blacklisting the conman himself from their organization.

In Conclusion:

Send me a text. I can look at during meetings or class. I don’t have to type in a code and sit in complete silence jotting down your usually irrelevant message. I can’t take my eyes off it and go right back to it. I can’t pause a voicemail.

One day, I hope I am ballsy enough to completely turn my voicemails off.

Zack Morris, one-time teen heart throb and All-time pimp, knows his way around the ladies. Zack had complete control of the hotties at Bayside High. He is a god. In fact, I have based most of my life around his teachings. From slamming Stacey Carosi behind her father’s watchful eye, breaking racial barriers and friendships by hooking up with Lisa Turtle, or weaning Jessie Spano off caffeine pills, Zack was a true player.

I mean, look at that picture… does it meet all the qualifications of a true pimp?

Does it have:

a) Retro button down shirt, with a pattern that only pissed off Native American descendants would rock
b) Thumbs tucked firmly in the pockets of acid washed denim jeans
c) Sweet 1992 Casio digital watch
d) Lightning blonde hair majestically captured by chestnut-colored roots?
e) NO FUCKING BELT WHATSOEVER

Yes. Zack Morris doesn’t give a fuck about what you think.

So how does the greatest character in television history tie in with pirated software and the RIAA?

Simple. Zack knew the importance of going to the movie theater.

Zack would take his dates to the movies, because the theater was his arena for gettin’ his . Can you imagine the Zack Attack himself, downloading a movie then inviting Kelly Kapowski to his house? You know his parents are going to be home, which also makes things even more awkward. Do you think she cares what a torrent is or that he has the latest DiVx codecs?

Do you really think the self-proclaimed “blonde Tom Cruise” is going to make his move on his parents couch or a crusty futon? Fuck no. Zack is going straight to the theater (in Mr. Belding’s car no less), where his fake stretch-yawn will be smoothly transitioned into an arm around the shoulder. This deadly combo move mysteriously incapacitates the opposite sex. Could it be all charm and no harm? Or did Zack enlist Screech to create a potent form of Roofie deodorant? All we know is that Zack needs the romantic setting of the movie theater to get his hot sauce on.

The movie industry should take cue from Zack and realize the value the movie theater can provide. Zack Morris doesn’t let the cost of a ticket influence his game - he would rather concoct a crazy scheme to earn the cash than bitch about it. The content will drive itself. But the method of delivery must be where the money is earned.

Experience, expense, and convenience are the three key elements of success. They are all interrelated. People will pay money as long as convenience and/or the experience are at a premium. Zack Morris knows the real deal. Don’t even get me started on AC Slater, who finishing move was an immaculate combination of his Jheri curl-mullet manifestation and his dimples. Fatality.

I was just glancing at the top 100 sites according to web ranking system at Alexa. I extremely surprised to see the high rankings of several video sites. Even more surprising was the amount of file storage sites.

Obviously, YouTube is no stranger to traffic and user submissions. However I was shocked to see Megavideo and Veoh. As well as porn sites YouPorn and Redtube (which I won’t link for obvious reasons!).

Amongst the filesharing sites and storage sites there were plenty.

• MiniNova
• Rapidshare
• MegaUpload
• YourFileHost
• MediaFire

I’m am sure I am overlooking many, just because I didn’t recognize some of the sites or I didn’t look too hard. I bet the number increases dramatically when you dig down into Alexa’s top 500.

The point I am trying to make is that every industry needs to look at video as a legitimate contender online. I know - it’s no shocking revelation, but I was surprised at the popularity of some of these sites. The file storage sites undoubtedly host pirated content.

Piracy can not be avoided because it is convenient and it’s free. Sure, most people are willing to pay a couple bucks to rent a DVD. But they would rather download it free and watch it immediately, as oppose to driving to the video store or waiting three days for NetFlix.