i spy a crappy product - by darwinian phenom
Posted on April 2nd, 2008 in hate and/or humor |
The first of many hateresque posts from our newest contributor Darwinian Phenom. If you knew him, you would see how oxymoronic that name is. Enjoy!
For all of the wonderful things television has given us over the years, it has also brought one of the greatest plagues on our current society. The “as seen on TV” product. This epidemic of crappy merchandise has graced us with such memorable punch-line products as the chia pet, the egg wave, and the infamous clapper. But the other day I came across a perfectly normal item, a pair of binoculars for only one easy payment of $29.99 plus the cost of shipping and handling. A woman in the commercial testified that these binoculars were “just as good as the $1,000 pair her husband had bought.” First off, lady, did you perform a comprehensive experiment testing the performance of each pair of binoculars? Can you present documented evidence that these $30 binoculars can see at night, through my window, across the street, and into the window of my neighbor’s 14-year-old daughter at 9:37 p.m. when she gets undressed before her nightly shower? Didn’t think so.
Usually I would ignore a commercial like this, but then came the big “call now and we’ll throw in (insert some really shitty deal here) ABSOLUTELY FREE!” Along with receiving these “high quality” binoculars, the first 500 callers were also promised a pen-sized pocket “spy scope.” That’s right, at first glance what appears to be a completely ordinary pen is really a hand-sized, relatively undetectable telescope in disguise. This product is a worse idea than the Jump to Conclusions Mat from Office Space.
“Oh man, I’m like 50-50 on whether I’m going to buy those binoculars…but oh shit! I get a pen sized telescope with absolutely no practical use too? And they only give it to the first 500 callers?” (Dialing frantically) I hope they didn’t stock out of spy scopes yet! Think about the fact that someone who works for this company proposed this crappy idea, and then got it approved by their overpaid and clearly underachieving superior. Hey boss, I’m predicting a huge growth in demand for pen-sized telescopes designed to spy on people during highly covert operations. A product like this should only be found in one of those claw grabbing arcade games where some kid gets pissed off because he wanted the mood ring and got stuck with the spy scope.
I can’t think of one good reason to own this piece of shit. I could perhaps see someone buying it in order to cheat on a test (even though the scope would clearly have to resemble that of a number 2 pencil and not a pen), but think of the risk and consequences associated. I’m not talking about a failing grade and possible expulsion from the school. Instead, I’m saying if someone catches you then you will have to admit to owning this stupid thing and tell the embarrassing story of how you acquired such a device. Those first 500 callers that receive this item should have to register as spy scope owners and their place of residence should be made available to the public. If I can search for sex offenders living in my area, I also want to know if there are spy scope owners in my area. I trust someone with a spy scope about as much as I would trust Michael Jackson to babysit my kids, probably less. I can understand that there are people in the world who have a fetish for kids, but I can’t understand a person who believes a spy scope somehow enhances their quality of life.
The creators of this product are clearly lacking in attributes fit for survival. In an era in which we’ve seen such great innovations as the internet, social networking, cellular phones and GPS devices, these half-wits give us the spy scope. The next time you have what you think is a good idea and someone shoots it down as being the stupidest idea they ever heard, tell them about the spy scope.